Taking the Scenic Route

#59 This is where I will be sitting on the way to Germany at the end of April. Yay! (unless a set of the purple “preferred” window-aisle seats open up and we can nab those)

Guess who I got to see on the way back?

I will give you six hints:

For those of you not getting it yet, try this:

Yes, my friends, it is FeeBee. She used to live nearby, and when I visited her I wished with everything in me that she still did. It was so good to see her again, even though we were both exhausted. I walked into her house so tired I didn’t know how I was going to make it home, and left refreshed and energized to finish the trip. It was SOOOO good to see her. It was also the first time I could sit in a house that was not my own and have no worries, what-so-ever, about the kids. Everything was bolted down and locked like Fort Knox. No worries of escaping or destroying and lots of playmates to keep everybody happy. Plus, added bonus, Zane was able to easily integrate into the group because he was normal to them. WooHoo!

It was so much fun. I hope we get a better car soon so that we can repeat the trek to their place more often. My soul feels so happy when I spend time with them.

I didn’t take very many pictures because Bede discovered the camera (and the viewscreen that he could look at) and comanderred the camera for much of the visit. It was so fun to see him playing with it, very much like Zane does. We have 80-some self portraits of Bede on our camera. lol (I’ll have to upload them to Walgreens or something so you can see them Fee)

Here are a few that I did get:

Trixie and Zora are less than two months apart in age, and they were very similar to each other in personality. They also both like to pretend they are animals. lol.

Thank you so much for opening your home to us Fee. We enjoyed seeing the clan live and in person. Pictures are nice, but seeing the real live kids is so much better!

ETA: More pictures on FeeBee’s blog

Around Italy, Texas (what a name. lol) we needed to stop for gas and coffee. We pulled of the highway and low and behold, this was next to the gas station. We had to take a closer look….and pictures, naturally.

Trying to get the kids to do the vulcan greeting.

So, are there extra geek points awarded for wearing your NASA hat while posing for this picture?

And, I gotta say that I loved the van. It was so roomy and rode so smoothly. It made the trip so much better than it could have been.

As they day wound down and people left, we found ourselves lingering until it was just us and the other siblings with Jennifer. I think it was the first time it really felt ike family with the siblings for Zach and I. The uncomfortableness was gone and we were just connected.

All through the week we learned things about Dad, his relationships, how he lived, and our siblings. I am not going to share them on the blog because they are too personal, but I will say that we had some misconceptions. Zach and my heart healed a lot this trip, in ways I could never have anticipated. I hope they are also wanting to continue building a relationship with us.

As sad and hurt as I was that Jim had never met Zora, I am not any more. Although I realize that he could have made different choices, I understand that he did want to see her. That was good to know.

Sidetrack into autism stuff:

I still don’t really understand why nobody knew that Zane was autistic other than the siblings. That was a little weird for us throughout the week. I was confused, at first, why we were getting *that* look, but figured out that nobody knew. I guess I forget that “Autism” is still a scary word full of stigma for other people. I know he was tight lipped about things, but I was just really suprised that they hadn’t even told Jennifer’s brother, a doctor. He actually hunted us down on Saturday, shortly after he had found out about it. He had a granddaughter (I think…my brain was so foggy when he talked to me I am not 100% sure) who was non-responsive and showed many autistic traits as an infant. He did a huge amount of research and used biomed techniques (specifically, treatment for yeast overgrowth) and she is now indistinguishable from peers. (seriously, I didn’t notice any of the kids with any sort of autistic tendencies…so if that child was there, she really is indistinguishable even to the somewhat trained eye).

He talked to me at length about Zane’s symptoms (and man did it make me dig in my brain…usually I can list off all of his tests and evals and treatments off the tip of my tongue, but I was really fried and was struggling to make my tongue work. lol). He got me a script for some non-systemic anti-fungal and I am going to get with my doctor here to have him work with me on doing yeast treatment on Zane. Thankfully, he also agrees with going low and slow so it isn’t hard on Zane. I started him on a low dose of the meds when we got back and am doing a lot of reading on the diets I am going to need to implement. The diet part is really going to be rough because it looks like almost his entire diet is yeast-feeding. (except for meat) I plan on starting to change the diet tomorrow, the day after Halloween. (He has been looking forward to Halloween for the entire month and I was not going to tell him he can’t have any candy on Halloween…it could wait a few days)

So, I am back to evaluating poop on a daily basis. Fun. (no changes yet, btw)

There was also another person there I was introduced to who worked with special needs kids. They worked with a new program where you strengthen different parts of the brain to help increase learning. It takes into account which hand/foot/eye/ear is the strongest and develops a program based on that. I didn’t totally get it (again, major brain fog), but it sounded interesting. I have to dig through my stuff though because I know they gave me a pamphlet of some kind that, presumably, has the name of the program on it. The only thing I can remember of the name is the picture I have in my head of the “Little Giant Ladders” that I have seen infomercials for. I am not sure if the name has something to do with “ladders” or “orange ladders” or “little giants” or some other weird thing that I remembered that way for some reason. lol. Sometimes a visual memory can be really confusing.

And, back to the subject…
I am really glad we went. Zach was resistant to going for a while, but I knew he needed to, and I knew it would be a good thing, but I don’t think I even came close to understanding how true that was. When every body is raw and stripped bare by the trauma of such a sudden passing, it can go either way…either it is the last event that forever rips a family apart, or it pulls everybody together even closer than they were. In this case, even though we feared the former, we most definatly experienced the latter.

And, to finish on a lighter note, at the end of the day our camera was full. Zane picked it up wanting to take pictures, so Zach went through the camera and erased a few pictures so there was space for Zane to take about 3 pictures. The first was the back of a Ritz box, the second was the cool lighting fixtures in the kitchen, the third was this, confirming our suspitions that he really connected with Tirza:

I didn’t take any photos of the Memorial Service because it just feels odd to me to take pictures in a church…weird, I know. The service was totally appropriate and very uplifting, and the service was largely a celebration of Jim’s faith and his affect on those around him.

One thing that stood out to me was watching Jennifer’s mom, sitting next to her. She is quite old…I think in her late 90s, and was just widowed this last spring. I can’t imagine having to watch your daughter go through the same thing when the pain of your own loss is still that fresh.

On a rather funny note, we got lost going there. Twice. It was the one location we had been to several times before and yet, we still managed to miss the turnoffs. Zach, who is frustratingly polite driving most of the time, actually got honked at twice pushing his way into traffic trying to get there. We had to laugh. In direct contrast to Zach, his dad’s aggressive driving was legendary. He seemed to enjoy making passengers squirm and was honked at regularly. Frankly, we were amazed he died of natural causes and not a car wreck. We figured the honkers had his dad’s eyes twinkling with his amused smirk in heaven. lol.

After the service, we went out to his Dad’s house, about a half an hour into the Hill Country near a big lake. The area sort of reminded me of the Sand Hills that are South and East of Hutchinson, and my Maternal grandparent’s home place. Well, except that there were gates here, but they weren’t to keep the cattle in. lol.

Zane and Zach took a long walk around the property to really look at what Jim had done. Jim had designed a myriad of intertwining paths and “rivers” of rock. Zane wanted to walk the maze of rocks and so he and Zach spent a good amount of time just enjoying the intricacies of the landscaping. Zane picked a rock out that he really liked and brought it home with him. It sits in a place of honor in his room. Here he is showing it to the camera.

The pool was just beautiful and the center of the action for much of the day. Jim designed every aspect of it.

The tree he was planting. When we were at the viewing one of their neighbors came over and planted it so that nobody would have to come home to it still being undone. What a thoughtful neighbor.

On the side table next to his chair in the bedroom.

Landscaping binds the generations together in Zach’s family. A lot of Zach’s memories of his dad growing up are going with him and doing landscaping. His grandpa also did a lot of gardening, grew an orchard, and was always working with the landscaping with Zach too. This yard was a challenge to him because he had never worked in this kind of environment. I think it is easy to see he was a master, and his yard was his masterpiece.

I overheard somebody say that firepit was the first thing he built when he started landscaping this property. It is at the back of the property and opens out to wild land. It is so peaceful sitting out there.

Most of Jim’s grandkids were there that day, so we gathered them up and tried to get a picture. The first pictures are before Rocco was brought into the picture. Sloan is the only one I see missing. (in one of my previous posts, she is the one in the raspberry stripped Hannah Andersson dress, going down the slide)

From left to right: Zane, Zora, Soren, Tirzah, Noah, Brenna. In front later is Rocco.

A much needed night out! Everyone staying at the hotel (Jim’s sisters and their families and us) decided a night at the Riverwalk would be good. All of us are from out of town so we don’t get the opportunity to go down there very often.

The kids were antsy waiting for food, so I ended up taking a walk with Zora while we waited. Along the way she saw two girls playing with lightsabers, and she was really excited to watch, pointing and exclaiming ” ‘tar wowts’ ” (star wars) over and over again. A few minutes later, we came across the vender selling the lightsabers. I didn’t have any money on me so we went back to see if Zach wanted to get them for the kids. Well, it didn’t take long and Zach came back with lightsabers for both of the kids.

After we were done eating, we were still standing around talking near the table and noticed that there was a dance floor with rainbow disco lights swirling around the floor. We decided the kids would love it and went in, and immediately Zane looked euphoric and was dancing all over the place, with Zora enthusiastically joining in. Some of the adults joined in too and we laughed and danced and had so much fun. Then the manager came and kicked us out. lol. Apparently, you can’t even enter the building if you are under 21, so we had to leave. Leave it to the rowdy family to get kicked out of a bar. (totally worth it, by the way)

I love going out to their estate. It is so peaceful and comfortable there, and they have always worked to make it a place where people can really relax. It was a great atmosphere to sit and chat and share stories and memories.

I think the playground area is new, at least in the last 5 years or so. The kids just loved it. It also made life a lot easier for parents because it kept the kids in the same general area (particularly Zane, who tends to wander off if he gets bored or overwhelmed).

They had a local restaurant cater, and had all the ribs, brisket, and some poultry and all the sides. There was enough selection that I was able to eat some of it, which was really nice. Later on, the kids all had an ice cream treat too.

All of the kids were nice and played together well. It made me wish we lived closer.

Zora and Brenna really hit it off. (Hayden & Amber’s younger girl, about a year and a half older than Zora) Brenna seemed to love being the older girl and telling Zora how to do stuff. I saw them holding hands for a while too. They both have strong personalities and seemed a good match. Zora also seemed to get along with the boys running around. My rough and tumble little girl.

Zane and Tirza (Hayden & Amber’s oldest, six months younger than Zane) seemed to make a connection too. Zane even pushed Tirza on a swing. (which made me really excited…attempting to join in play like that is a huge deal) Tirza commented to her mom that Zane must not have realized she knew how to pump her legs, but she let him push her anyway…she is such a kind hearted kid. She seemed to “get” Zane more than a lot of people do.

We went back to the hotel to change Zane out of his formal clothes. When we walked in, I felt so bad for the sitter. She was used to San Antonio temperatures, and we had cranked the A/C because we were sweating when we were trying to get ready. She was freezing under her stack of blankets. We talked with her a while, and she said she would come to the memorial service to watch the kids again.

After she left, we tried to connect with family to see where people were eating, but couldn’t get in touch with anybody. We headed out and saw a “Macaroni Grill” just a few doors down from the hotel and remembered that we used to love eating there in Wichita (before they closed) so it seemed like a good place to stop. We didn’t have any toys with us, but with butcher paper and crayons, we could entertain the kids pretty easily.

It was good to sit peacefully after the whirlwind we had been through. Zach wanted to sit in between the kids and draw for/with them. It was so sweet. The server was great, and by the end of the meal, we were all happy and full.

With the several servers we had met at the viewing, we couldn’t help but wonder if there were servers here who knew him. It was along the route between home and work and it was Italian Food. I’d bet that he had at least been there. lol.

We barely had time to shower before Zach had to leave for the viewing and the babysitter came for the kids. Kirsten had a friend and babysitter that was finishing up a Special Ed degree and had a special interest in autism, and she was happy to help out. She was great. She couldn’t get there until after the family viewing was to begin, so Zach went ahead with one of his siblings, and I stayed behind getting Zane and myself ready and waited for her. The plan was to leave Zora with her, while I took Zane for long enough to see the body, and maybe a little longer if he wanted to, then bring him back to the hotel to play with Zora and the sitter, and I would return to the viewing to be with Zach.

I was still finishing up when she came, and helped get Zane dressed as I gave directions. I realized when I was giving directions that I never left the kids with anybody besides my mom, but I was too worn out and stressed to really let that thought settle much.

We went to the viewing. It was the first time I had seen a lot of the family. Zane did pretty well, under the circumstances. He was a little sensory seeking…leaning, pulling out to swing when we held his hand, but overall, did really well.

We slowly made our way to the front, and eventually, I had Zach take him up to see Papo, with me holding his other hand. We showed him Papo, and that he wasn’t breathing, and that he wasn’t moving, and that he felt cold and reitterated that it was because his body was broken, but his inside alive part was with Jesus in heaven and was happy. We stayed as long as he wanted to stay and just held him. When he started getting antsy, we asked if he wanted to go, and he did.

As we walked away from the casket, he started tearing up. We sat down in a pew with him and asked him “What is wrong?” (we weren’t sure if it was too high of level question, so we waited a bit for him to answer before rephrasing) He finally said “I sad” We asked “What makes you sad?” (“what” is easier for him than “why”). He mumbled “Grampapa-Papo”. We asked “Why does Papo make you sad?” He said “Papo is Dead”. He got it. What a bittersweet momment. It was important for him to understand, and I was relieved that he got it, but so overwhelmingly sad at the same time. We hugged him, and then asked if he wanted to go back to the hotel to play nintendo and the babysitter and Zora, or if he wanted to stay here with us. He wanted to stay, much to our amazement. Minutes later, he fell asleep. Almost passed out he fell asleep so hard. He was all twisted up like a pretzel and when I tried to untangle him, he twisted back up again, so we just left him on the bench to sleep and stayed within visual range of him the rest of the evening. He woke up, almost crying, three times, I stepped back over to him, hugged him and reassured him, and he passed back out again. He stayed that way until we got him up to leave.

As anybody who has ever met both Zach and his Dad knows, Zach looks astonishingly like his dad. We even heard Jennifer (the widow), comment, in reference to Jim’s body, that “Zach looks more like Jim than Jim does” and it was true. I don’t know what the deal was, but you really had to look to see Jim because the make-up or something was a bit off. You could see him, and you could kind of see his father (Zach’s grandpa) in him, but it really didn’t look like him as much as one would expect.

One result of the resemblance is that Zach had people coming up to him who didn’t know him, but instantly knew he was Jim’s son. A few of them didn’t realize he wasn’t the “doctor” (Zach’s younger brother, from the second marriage…we had to keep pointing out Hayden to them), and seemed a bit surprised that he had another, older son, but everybody from Jim’s office and those he had known a long time all knew who Zach was. (it seemed to be the church people who were more surprised). I do have to say, you know that you eat out a lot when you get waitresses and waiters come up to you saying what restaurant they had worked at when explaining how they knew Jim. That was sort of funny.

His workmates were amazing. They stood and talked to us for a long, long time, and pulled other workmates over to introduce each other to Zach. All of them knew who he was instantly, and quickly remembered even my name “the other Jennifer Z***” (Jim’s wife and I have the same name…which got sort of weird at times during the week because I kept hearing “my” name called all the time). It became very apparent that he talked about us at work a lot, and very little at the church. He spent a lot of time at work, so that felt really good. Heck, I even got baby gifts from his workmates, even though I had never met them at that time. They had many stories and fond memories they shared (including that they finally bought him his own clippers so he would quit stealing the cake knives from the drawers to go out and landscape the grounds around the building). It was clear that they were devastated by his passing. Truly. I think they knew him better than we did, and hearing about him through them was so comforting. He clearly had a family with his colleagues. They also put a wreath on the door and took pictures of his office, and the building (his dad was a partner, so his name was on the building) to give to us (and the other siblings). It meant a lot.

There was a LOT of family there, including Jennifer’s family whom we hadn’t seen in a long time (since Christmas 2002 for some, and the sibling’s weddings for the others). Sandy had brought a big batch of pictures of Jim from when they were kids, and Zach got to really look at them for a while. That was particularly neat for him.

Another thing that happened with some frequency, was people who came up to him, assuming he was Jim’s son, and then telling Zach how he had changed their lives. Including a woman he helped to leave an abusive marriage and start her life over, and a multitude of other people who’s lives he had changed for the better. He had counseled them and was a force of good in their lives. That was a side of his Dad we never really knew about and were particularly grateful to know about. Zach is the same way, and has always been very generous to those in need (often giving to the point of sacrifice to ourselves and our family), so to see that trait in his Dad really made me smile.

It is so weird to be at a funeral like that, where you are so happy to see some of the people whom you have connected with in the past but haven’t seen in ages, but to have to do it under such awful circumstances. It had me grinning and laughing in joy one minute, and choking back tears the next.

When the viewing was winding down, Zach talked to the mortuary director to thank him for all he had done. He told Zach that his Dad must have been something really special because he had never, in all of his years of doing this, seen so many people come to just a viewing. (with no memorial service). And it was really big, especially considering it wasn’t in a community like I grew up in. (in small towns, viewings and funerals are naturally much, much larger because everybody knows everybody and is affected by the death of somebody in the community)

The viewing, over all, was very healing. We learned so much about his dad and were so grateful for so many sharing their stories.

Near the end of the viewing, the line finally letting up, Jim’s sisters comforting Jen.

Although Zane had changed positions after one of his awakening, this is the view of him at the end of the viewing. We picked him up and went to talk to Jennifer for a bit, then went back to the hotel. I couldn’t believe he slept the several hours we were there. This really wiped him out.

Thursday morning was the first time we started seeing family. We met up with Aunt Joyce and Dan down at breakfast. We talked for a while, and when we realized they planned on making two trips to the airport to pick everybody up, we told them we would come along instead. With all of our luggage out of the vehicle, we had the back seating area free for either their luggage, or more people.

They made a test airport run while we went back up to the room. Pretty soon we got a call from Hayden (Zach’s brother) to see if Zach wanted to meet with the preacher with the rest of the siblings, so he went with him to do that while I tried to settle the kids in. Zane was clearly agitated, but got a little better when I pulled out all of the blankets (yeah for overpacking) I had brought with us and covered the loveseat and made a little nest for him.

Zora was loving the tv at her level.

Although we had been talking about what was going on to a degree, I still had to talk to Zane, more specifically, about what exactly was going on and what death was. I had to practice saying “dead” over and over again so I could say it without bursting into tears. He had a mini-meltdown and closed himself in the bathroom, trying to block the door, and I knew it was past time to have that talk.

The Talk
I sat with him on the floor of the hotel bathroom, rocking him, and explaining in the simplest, most literal terms possible that Grandpa Papo died.

His body was broken and the doctors couldn’t fix him. When our bodies get a little broken, we go to a dr to fix us. (then went through different people to ask “Is mommy broken, is Zane broken…ect, to make sure he understood the concept of broken body and not broken body)

In video games, when you die, it is a pretend die. You can start again and you are alive. In real life, when you die, you stay dead. You can’t start again. You can’t talk to the person, or hug them, and they can’t breathe or see or hear any more. They look a little bit like they are asleep, but they are not asleep. When you go to sleep, you wake up. When you die, you do not wake up. You can tell the person is dead because they don’t breath or open their eyes any more. (again, asked questions to see if he was comprehending)

Inside of all of us there is an invisible part that makes us alive, called a spirit or soul. When the body breaks too much for docters to fix, the spirit goes to heaven to live with Jesus. His alive part, his spirit, is happy because he is with Jesus. Mommy and Daddy are sad because we won’t see his spirit for a long time and we will miss him being on earth. We miss being able to talk to him and hug him. (again…questions to confirm comprehension)

We will be going to see his body. His body will be in a special box called a coffin. He will look a little like he is alseep, but he will mostly look different (as it turned out, there was no question he wasn’t just asleep, and he looked quite a bit different). He won’t be breathing and he won’t open his eyes because his alive part is not in his body any more. His alive part is with Jesus.

There will be other people there to see Papo’s body. A lot of them might be crying, or sad, and that is OK. It is good to cry when we are sad. We all miss Papo being alive, but we know his inside part, his spirit part, is happy and living with Jesus. If you are sad, it is good to cry. If you are scared, it is good to tell us. Mommy and Daddy will be with you and keep you safe and give you hugs if you want them. If you are not sad, that is fine. It is ok to not be sad.

I asked him a bunch of question afterwards to make sure he got the concept (as much as he could…nobody *really* gets death). I also knew that the only way he was going to understand what dead meant, for sure, was to take him to the viewing. Every part of my soul wanted to spare him that, but I knew that I had to.

Right after Zach returned from his meeting with the siblings, we left to pick everybody up at the airport. They were coming from three different places in the country, but all managed, somehow, to end up on the same plane the last leg. Amazing. We exchanged a few quick hugs, got people and luggage arranged in the vehicles, and headed back to the hotel.