Taking the Scenic Route

I read someplace that Zane’s vocabulary should be about 450 words and got sort of depressed and started looking at some speech delay sites.  As I am reading, Zach goes and pulls out some cheese and Zane walks up to him and asks “cheese?” (can I have some cheese).  It was nice timing.  He might not have a 450 word vocabulary, but at least he is progressing, and he is doing it fast.

His list of words:

1. please
2. thank you
3. your welcome
4. yes
5. juice
6. cheese
7. numbers 1-20 (so, does this count as 20 words…lol)
8. alphabet (not really words, but sort of cool…he also writes it out at times)
9. cookie
10. no
11. our names, but never to us (asks where dadda is when he isn’t here and vise versa)

He also sings along with songs and has been doing that for a while, but that is a different part of the brain than verbal ability, so it doesn’t really count as verbal ability.  He is starting to get a bit better at being in tune.  He used to be pretty monotone when he sang, but he is starting to modulate a little more and every once in a while he is on pitch, andd a bit more frequently he is near pitch, so that is pretty cool. 

I think he is going to skip stick people in trying to draw and just go directly to “normal” people.  He gets frustrated that he can’t quite get it right.  For example,  he draws one arm, then what I assume is the body and then can’t figure out how to get the other arm in there…or it is the second arm and there isn’t room for the body…what ever is happening it is ticking him off.  All of his people have to have a lot of hair. lol.  Sometimes the hair will take over the entire head, but then so does mine.  hee hee.  He can’t/won’t tell us what he is drawing so I just have to guess, but a lot of his drawings look like 3D bowls and cups (oval top with a rounded bottom).  I am trying to figure out what else they can be, but when he adds a handle to a coffee cup looking thing, I just can’t see anything else in it.  I wish I knew if it was a doodle or if he really is drawing in 3D, because I can’t imagine a kid this age drawing in 3D, but it sure looks like it.  If only he could tell me.

Last night when he started counting (he counts everything endlessly) both dh and I started counting with our fingers along with him.  (woo hoo…something he can count that he carries with him) He immediatly tried to make his fingers do the same thing, but couldn’t quite get the 3 or 4 so he came over to us and “made” our fingers count while he said the numbers. He was really concentrating when we did the 3 and 4 trying to figure out how we made our fingers do that.  It was really cute and I loved seeing his face light up and see how proud he was of himself.

In general it was a really rough day yesterday.  He was really clingy and wanted me right next to him all day with more rolling on the ground and kicking tantrums than I can count.  *sigh* 

Teletubbie tucked in for the night

Of all of the cute stuffed animals he has, he has chosen this teletubbie that was given to us at a garage sale by the person selling stuff.  (She was closing up shop as we drove up).  He isn’t really attached to it, but it is the only one he has actually played with.

This is Zach

This is Zach with a camera and five minutes of free time.

Oh, I was so furious last night.  I went to the Y for a meeting and left Zane in the Kid Zone nursery.  About 45 minutes into the meeting, there was a break so I grabbed a diaper for him and ran down to check to see if he needed a change.  (nobody there is comfortable changing cloth and dh was going to pick him up when he got out of class, so I didn’t want to leave my bag down there since I knew dh would probably forget it).  When I got there, the lady immediatly yelled for Zane and then snottily said “Is there something wrong with that child?!?” This wasn’t asked in a kind, concerned manner…it was an exasperated, nasty accusation.  Then “is he deaf or something?”.  I am so shocked at her attitude and asked if there was a problem.  She said he didn’t listen, even if you got into his face it was like he didn’t hear you. (later, this statement really bothered me…I mean what the hell was she doing, screaming in his face ?!?)  I was told to take him.  I was so upset.  I called back to talk to a manager, but the person in charge of the Kid’s Zone was not there since it was later in the evening.

When Zach got home, I went back for my workout and ended up talking to some ladies at the desk who I had a repoire with.  They instantly guessed the name of the person, which I didn’t get, but through the process of elimination (did she have an accent, that kind of stuff) they confirmed who it was.  She has been written up before and people have complained about her, but only one parent had let the manager know, so she had only been written up once.  They begged me to talk to the manager.  (oh, I will DEFINATLY be doing that).  The gal at the desk told me, confidentially, she wouldn’t let her kids stay there when that gal was in there either and that I was welcome to call to find out who was in the nursery before I brought him in.  They also gave me the name of the best person there…a guy who is really good with the energetic kids. 

I had never had any problems with leaving him there, even though it hasn’t been very long.  The most I have ever had commented on is that he had to be redirected, but that it was so normal for a 2yo and when there is a roomfull of them, it can get a little crazy.  I am usually told what a sweet kid he is, but that they can’t beleive the energy he has.  lol. They are well staffed and Zane just loves it, so it was devestating for me to be told that and leave me wondering what the hell happened. 

When I talked to dh about the whole thing, he said that we were going to have to grow a thick skin because Zane is exactly like he was, and his mom had to go round and round with daycare people and schools who kept wanting to put him on drugs because of his energy level and stubbornness.  I have always known he fit the “sprited child” label really well, but I guess I found out today that it wasn’t in my head.  He is just so intense and persisitent, with very selective hearing.  I don’t want to do anything to take away from his passion for life, even if it isn’t easy to live with all the time.

UPDATE:

We found out what the problem was and got a pretty good laugh.  They were atempting to clean the room and trying to get all the kids to the other side of the room.  They couldn’t get him to move.  I immediatly guessed what must have happened and asked if they had a vacuum cleaner within eyesight of Zane.  They did.  LOL!!  You can NOT get that child away from a vacuum cleaner…he does a happy little vacuum dance and squeals and jumps.  He loves to help push it and we have been working with him to quit playing with the cord (he loves to lift it up and go under it, repeatedly).  You would have to drag him, literally kicking and screaming, to get him away from a vacuum.  So, when I drop him off, I am supposed to mention the vacuum thing so that they can call me if they have to vacuum the room.  Now I just have to figure out if I feel comfortable leaving him there again.

I cut my hair.  A part of my hated to cut it, but I never wear it down anymore because it is just TOO MUCH. It was overwhelming me and it literally took an hour to brush out even if I kept it in a french braid.  It was not working for swimming at all…I couldn’t even stuff it into a swim hat and, again, I had to wear it braided to keep from suffocating myself.  I also simply didn’t have the money to buy all the product I needed to make it look nice, so it usually looked really frizzy and ratty.  So, here are some before and after pictures.

ETA:  While dh was cutting it, ds came in the room and picked the cut hair up and tried to put it back on my head.  It was really sweet.

AAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Ta Da!  The haircut.

Portrait of patience. 

vacuumming with a hand vac since the vacuum broke.  lol.  Maybe that is why the vacuum came with a free hand vac.

I am reading Dr. Phil’s Weight Management book.  I skimmed it 6 months ago, but this time I am taking the time to really pay attention and evaluate myself a bit more.  Before I get going I want to clarify. 

I am not a fanatic of Dr. Phil.  I often watch him, but I don’t agree with him all the time and I tend to really disagree with much of his parenting advice, but he does have some valid things to say.  I watch him mostly because he makes me think and I enjoy Psychology so I like seeing his approach to things.   I think a large part of why I disagree with him a lot is because he seems to be a strict Behaviorist, and while I see the validity of some aspects of that school of thought, I am more of a cognitive and humanistic psychology fan.  Behaviorists are definatly more clear cut and consice, lending itself well to a mass audience with a lot of black & white ideas, but I think in a lot of ways it is too simplistic and really doesn’t explain the human experience very accurately.  I also disagree with him because he flat out disagrees with a lot of Attachment Parenting principles, which I strongly agree with.  At least he doesn’t advocate spanking, a big plus.  I don’t always agree with his punitive behavioral control, but I don’t always disagree either. 

Back to the subject at hand.  The book.  I am working through the “Key One: Right Thinking, Step One” chapter and saw some insights to myself.

1. Locus of Control: .  In my early 20s I was much more likely to believe my life had an external locus of control with a little bit of chance thrown in, but now I am 90% internal LOC, with external and chance still there, but more as a secondary belief.  However, I never really thought about the negatives of an internal LOC, but they certainly apply to me.  I tend to blame myself for everything, every failure, whether it is really my fault or not.  I am also not likely to reach out for support of others, like physical trainers, drs, nutritionists.  I can’t tell you what a difficult thing is was for me to start going to a support group, and how difficult it was to see a physical trainer.  I kept catching myself trying to show them what I knew instead of just listening to what they had to say.  I really had to bite my tongue.  I also am quick to criticize myself for being so overweight and out of shape, either directly or through humor.  Even writing about my journey where others is difficult for me, but I wanted to make myself more accountable to others because my internal voice is really hard on me. 
2. Labeling:  I labled myself as “fat” long before I was actually fat.  I was a head of my high school cheerleading team & head of drill team, and I felt like I was so fat.  I know, looking at the pictures, that I wasn’t.  In fact, I was right in the middle of the cheerleading squad (which I should have realized since I was both a base and a flyer) and the cheerleading squad was not overweight at all.  I am big boned, so I was never going to be the impish, cute person I idealized.  Even at my smallest my wrists were as big as many men and I had problems finding women’s watches that fit due to my bone size.  When I became a mom I slapped on the label “frumpy” because “that is what mom’s are”.  It might have been more true in my home community, which seems to be a few generations behind in societal standards, but it is not a “truth”.  I also saw myself as very much like my Grandma, who did have a lot of good qualities, but was known for her ability to cook a great meal…a very, very fattening traditional Mennonite cuisine.  Most of the women in my family are big…both of my Grandmas were/are the exact same size I am, same height, same dress size.  (The one still living also has my same taste, so getting hand-me-downs from her is great.  hee hee).  There is also a little voice in my head that makes me think this is how I am supposed to be because that is the way they are.  The only major difference is that they both have been on every diet with no success and I have never really tried to diet seriously.
3. Fortune Telling:  I also have the self-fulfilling prophesy of my labeling.  To me, these two things are very intertwined.
4. Frustration thinking:  Yeah, this is definatly true for me.  I have spent years thinking it is too hard, and therefore I never got to the starting line.  The only up side to this is that I have avoided the yo-yo dieting because I never even tried to diet.  (therefore avoiding some of the health problems associated with this)  It does seem overwhelming and I fight that every minute of every day as I try to make changes anyway.  I am making progress with this obstacle because this time I did start.  I finally have taken those first steps, something I have never done before.
5. All-or-Nothing thinking:  The perfectionist in me.  I have already done a lot of work in this area and am not as strongly this way, but I certainly was and I still have to tell myself not to give into this feeling.  Flylady has helped me a lot with this attitude and it does spill into other areas of my life.
6. Self-Downing:  I do this a lot.  I was bullied and teased unmercifully as a child in school.  To make it worse, I was in a small school and 20 or so of the 35 people or so in my graduating class I went to school with from the time I was in preschool until I graduated high school (and about 4 all the way through college).  I never got a “do-over”.  My role was clearly set and defined.  Now that those voices are gone, my internal voice has taken over.  I am never good enough, pretty enough, smart enough…enough anything.  I do a lot of the self-downing through humor.  It is a major coping mechanism for me.  I have recognized this and am trying to change it.  This is the voice that is hardest for me to change and squelch.  It is deeply ingrained into me.  It is at the core of me and why a large part of me thought I had so many m/c s because God must have thought I wasn’t good enough to be a parent.  It is why I worry I won’t have any more kids. (maybe God will realize He was right the first 7 times).  It is the part of me that needs the most healing.  The feeling that I don’t deserve happiness.
7. Poor Me Thinking:  I do this too.  The feeling everybody else has it easier than me. Life is not fair….but it should be dang it!  lol.  Everyone else can be skinny without even trying, have money…you know…the envy factor.  The feeling of deprivation.  I am doing much better at this, but it is still there at times.  This is the one I have learned to pull myself out of easier and recognize the gifts I have and how good my life really is.
8. Hoarding factor:  Not something he mentioned, but something else I have problems with. I am pretty sure this is born out of not having food, any food available at one point in my life.  You see this all the time in the “depression era” generations.  The inability to throw something out because you might need it.  It is beyond difficult for me to make a “no fail” environment by throwing out perfectly good food.  I would rather eat it and buy healthy replacements.  The idea of throwing it out when we are on food stamps and there might not be enough money to buy the healthy stuff to replace it.  Also, I am much more able to control my eating when there is plenty of food in the house.  The less food there is, the more I start going into survival mode and eating anything not nailed down because I am afraid of being hungry.  I also start craving pasta and other starchy foods.  It is also a factor when my parents take us out to one of those buffet places..you know, you gotta get your money’s worth…load it up, eat enough for several days.

He mentioned several other things that just don’t apply to me at all:  Catastrophising (drama queen behavior), Pipe Dreaming (wanting to look like a model), and Gut-level Reasoning (did this in high school, felt fat – thought everyone else believed I was fat, but feel like I have grown out of this and am much more honest with myself)

My brain is tired now. lol.

My workout tonight went a lot better.  I hit the “weight loss” routine on the treadmill instead of the “cardio” and I don’t know if that is why it was easier or becasue I knew I could do it going into it. 

I had a good day overall.  Kept up on the housework for the most part and got started on the back room.  I finally rolled two non-working office chairs out to the garbage today since it was obvious we weren’t going to fix them and they were taking up a lot of space.  Somebody else claimed them within an hour…lol.  I think one of them actually came from a dumpster dive at the college years ago, so I thought that was really funny.

I took the time to fray check a few of my fitteds to keep them from shredding any more because I really like them.  Got ready to clean and lanolize my soakers right as a friend dropped by, so I need to do that in the morning.

I am up way too late, so I am just going to crawl into bed before my head hits the keyboarddddddddddddddd

Before I go, a few pictures.

One little monkey jumping on the bed

and I have to do a close up of the cute Veggie Tales

This is photo of a pro-war protester.  It gave me a good chuckle.

There where a group of quiet pro-peace activists in MO (protest the making of weapons at the Boeing plant)  and a crowd of 75 flag waving pro-war protesters came by and hurled insults and violent threats.  The police had to be called in to control the war mongers. One of the protesters violently beat a female peace activist.

edited for accuracy

Woke up this morning to banging in the kitchen.  The maintenence guy decided that today was the day to put in our countertop, several months after they told us “the end of this week”.  He let himself in.  That bothered me since it was a guy I had never met instead of the normal guys.  It was nice to have a new countertop.  Thank goodness I had cleaned the kitchen.  Although there were some popcorn bowls and a few glasses, it wasn’t disgusting.

We discovered today that the vacuum is permanently broken, unless we can get a replacement brush, which is not likely.  The end peice melded together and doesn’t turn on one side creating a lot of smoke and stench.  On the up side, we did get the front closet cleaned out in search of the warrenty papers.  No luck finding them though.  We will have to work on the back room tomorrow and see if we can unearth it.

I kept the parts of the house clean that we had finished and started on laundry today.  I still have a few loads, but made a good dent, including one load of dipes.  I didn’t dunk dipes, so I have to do the poopy ones tomorrow morning so we don’t run out.  My momentum is definately rolling in the right direction. 

Earlier this week I had an epiphany…I think the reason I have never really pulled everything together  is because then I would have proven that I could get more done, then I would be obligated to DO that.  Combine that with the fact I really have a difficult time starting anything I can’t complete to perfection.  I had been working on the perfectionist issue for a while and learning to let go of the need for everything to be “just so”.  This week, I made another step, a sort of fear of success.  This is just under the surface of several things….housework, weight….it could probably be applied to a lot of areas in life.

My workout tonight was rough for me.  I neede to work out for 20 minutes on level 1 setting on either the precor, arc trainer or treadmill.  I started out on the precor and lasted about 2 or 3 minutes before I hurt so bad I about cried.  I got off and walked around a bit to loosen back up and get my heart rate to a reasonable level before starting again.  I decided the treadmill would be a much better choice.  The first 2 minutes I wondered if maybe I had underestimated my abilities…this is easy!  15 minutes to go (mtg) I was really feeling like I was working out.  13mtg I was ready to quit….had to stop a “not even halfway there” thought to “I am almost halfway there”.  8mtg I was chanting “be strong” and “you can do this” and it took everything in me to keep going.  5mtg…FUCK ME.  lol.  Finally, at 2mtg it started to slow for the cool down.  That took every ounce of physical and mental energy I had.  I had to force myself to walk over to the cleaning bottle to clean off the machine.  The stretching was heavenly after that…relaxing.  I am so proud of myself for finishing.

Oh My! 

I am SO Happy about this! 

I think he is moving from non-verbal to verbal.  He has been singing songs and saying the alphabet, but not using words for actual communication.  He has been counting to 20 over and over (and over…lol) and it had been that, unless you knew what he was doing and counted along mentally in your head, you couldn’t really tell that is what he was doing.  (but you could hear it if you knew what you were listening for).  Today I realized you could understand pretty much the whole run.  Then, when he wanted me to open up a package of playdoh, he lifted it up to me and said “Peace” (Please, help me open this).  I thought it was a fluke, but he has done it several times since…same deal with saying  a toddler version of “your welcome” to a thank you.   And today I had my first verbal ‘arguement’ with him.  He wanted into a locked cabinet, I said “no, not now” he took my hand and put it back on the door handle (his normal way of telling me he wants something) and said “yes”.  I thought my ears were deceiving me…he has never said “yes”.  I said no again, he started crying harder and said “yes” while leading my hand back.  After a third time, I hugged him and said how glad I was that he was using words.  I couldn’t believe it.  (no, I didn’t let him in the door…lol)  When a friend came over tonight and asked him if he wanted a peice of his popcorn, he looked right at him and said “yes”.  again.    Wow.  No words beyond the alphabet letters and numbers until today and suddenly “please”, “your welcome”, and “yes”. 

WOW!  My son is VERBAL!

I have been really busy the last few days.  I met with the Physical Trainer (3 free visits) at the Y last Friday, and began attending a women’s health group on Monday.  I didn’t work out at all today, but I have been physically active…cleaning like crazy. lol.  I can’t control my finances, but I can do something about my weight, but I am not doing it in the frenzied obsessive way I usually approach life changes.  I haven’t eaten perfectly, but am making better choices, which makes me feel good about myself. 

The physical trainer and the women’s group both talked about taking things slowly so I don’t burn out.  The PT said I need to approach workouts like rehab since I am so out of shape and it has been so long since I was trully healthy.  She doesn’t want me getting hurt.  Oh, she also said I need a new pair of shoes or to go to and Orthepedic dr. to get inserts because my step is messed up (I put my weight on the outside of my feet instead of the inside, I think it is called pronate).  I absolutely can’t afford new shoes, much less a dr, so I have made a conscience effort to correct it by making my muscles work the right way.  My feet are really tired…lol.  I corrected my step from being an outstep (duck or ballet like) to facing more forward, so I can do this too.  (Yeah, I fit in a really tiny percentage that walks with my feet out and put the pressure on the outside of my feet…I had a lot of people comment on it when I had to do physical therapy for my knees from a cheerleading injury in high school)  She also said that is why I have had more serious knee and ankle problems and can’t believe I haven’t had more hip and back problems, especially with my weight.  (I have had some problems in those areas, but nothing serious.)  I also know that I spent nearly 3 hours finding this pair and I work to find a pair that I don’t feel like I am going to sprain my ankle in (extra support to keep my feet from rolling out) and fits my extra wide feet, so I know I am not going to find anything better, even if I could afford it.  This is better anyway, it will correct it permanently.  It will be a slow process, but I know I can do it.  It is caused my muscle imbalance, so it can be corrected by retraining my muscles.

I got the kitchen and living room area clean today, except the carpets because we discovered the belt broke.  That does explain why it took 1 1/2 hours to vacuum the carpet in our bedroom/playroom.  I thought I was just REALLY out of shape because I literally had sweat dripping off me by the time I was done…well duh, the roller wasn’t rolling and I was trying to shove a heavy vacuum back and forth across the same area of carpet a dozen times to get it to sweep up by pure brute force.  I need to dunk my diapers tonight when we get back from Wal-mart so that we have dipes for ds in the morning.  I can’t wait until I have more dipes!  I am so glad for the ones an MDC mama sent me from the TP…they are at least keeping me from doing diaper laundry twice a day sometimes…It usually is fine to do it just once a day, unless he is just a poop machine.

Financially, life sucks, but it does for a lot of Mama’s I know, so I shouldn’t complain.  I at least have a light at the end of the tunnel, something so many people don’t have.  I am going to have to start walking to the Y to work out, which is not a bad thing, but I am so far out of shape that will be difficult for me.  I hope gas prices go down because we only have $8 and change (although we might have up to $20 in change…need to count it).  I hope the belt is cheap, but I think it is. 

Gotta go to the *Merchant of Shame*  (walmart) for the belt. TTYL.

Zach trying his hand at making a link for the photo bracelets we are doing for SIL’s store. 

Zane exploring how the world looks through the magnifier.  He kept rocking back and forth to see the different views of the cars.

My sweet boy fresh from a bath