Taking the Scenic Route

We just got back from the Music and Motion class at the Y.  Not enough motion in the curriculum.  lol.  Should be called Music and Sitting.  Despite that, it was more successful than the Tumble Tots for two reasons.  First, smaller room.  Second, the room wasn’t full of Stepford children and moms.  Most of the kids sat in the circle, but there was another boy who was just as active as Zane.  The other mom apologized to me for instigating the swinging the blinds around, and I laughed and said “don’t worry about it, mine showed yours how to remove the ballet barre from the wall”.  lol. The other boy was probably about the same age, but half Zane’s size (and Zane towered over the rest of the class again).  She asked how old Zane was and her eyes about popped out of her skull, but then said that her other two were also in the 95% and this one is way on the other extreme and she has no idea where it came from because her husband and her were both fairly tall.  There was another boy who joined them at times running around the circle and one little girl who was quite a bit younger but looked to have a similar energy level.  It was nice to not be the only parent with a child who doesn’t sit.  Maybe the difference is that this class is under the “Creativity” program and the other was under the “Gymnastics” program.  People here seemed somewhat less concerned that their child do everything ‘just so’ and more into their kids having fun.  The gymnastics parents seemed much more high strung and the class seemed much more geared toward conformity.

I really struggle with these socialization issues.  It is so hard to find the balance between wanting him to follow what the group is doing/how to act in a group and respecting who he is.  I dosn’t want him to learn to conform without question, but he needs some level of conformity to be able to function well.  I don’t know how to balance that.  I like that he is different, but I struggle to know how to help and guide him because he is so different.  He plays differently, he communicates differently, his energy level is vastly different.  He is so much his own unique little person.  I don’t want to do anything to squelch the pure joy, curiosity and excitement he exudes.  I hope that by taking him to classes and seeing the behavior of the majority he will decide to join the group enough that we can continue things like dance classes and such.  I want that for him, but I will not break his spirit to get “good” behavior.  I don’t want him to obey without question.  Too many people with that mentality have done so much harm to the world, from “but everyone else it doing it”, to “I was only following orders”, and the abilty to conform or think for yourself starts now.  It would be so much easier if blind conformity was my goal.  *sigh*

We just got back from the Tumble Tots class at the YMCA.  Nothing like a class like that to make you realize how different your child is.  First, we had to take him out of the room during set up because he wouldn’t leave the mats where they were and such…no biggie, we just went and played with legos in the family center in the next room.  When class began, everybody was supposed to sit.  Not gonna happen.  Although there were two other boys who were wiggly, I was the only parent in an active battle to keep him within a five foot radius.  This class if for walking to 3 years old…it wasn’t like he was younger than everybody else, in fact, he towered over everybody else.  The leader kept talking about the song they were going to sing and in my mind I was begging her to start the flippin’ song already….I knew *that* would get his attention enough to not be going ballistic because I was trying to keep him in one place.  It seemed like it took forever!  Finally, they were let loose to play on the equipment set up.  He did a lot better than the last time I attempted the class in understanding that he needed to wait for other kids…wasn’t always happy about it, but he at least seemed aware he wasn’t the only one in the room.  He walked across the parallel bars only holding on to my fingertip…exactly how he was supposed to.  I was impressed.  He then walked across the balance beam the same way (both of these are low to the ground).  Then he happily jumped on the trampoline, but we couldn’t get him to jump off to the mat like he was supposed to.  I don’t know if it was he didn’t understand or he just flat out didn’t want to.  He then watched some other kids jumping through hoops laid on the floor and happily did that.  I couldn’t get him to leapfrog over the beanie babies and he just looked at me like I was nuts. lol.  I wish he would have seen another kid doing it because then he might have.  He took about 3 turns on the paralel bars and balance beam, and then he saw the other kids who weren’t doing it right (climb down and just walk through the bars) and proceeded to do it that way from then on.  *sigh* We also couldn’t convince him to just jump off a platform, which I thought was sort of cute.  Instead of jumping, he would carefully sit down and edge himself down safely.  How do you tell a child whom you have worked to keep him from leaping off of things that you actually want him to leap off of something. lol.  I didn’t try too hard to get him to leap off the platform either.  bad gymnastics mama. lol.  About halfway through the class he was not interested in doing the apparatus like he was supposed to and was more interested in playing ‘tag’ with mama, playing with the ball that had found it’s way into the area, and trying to do the apparatus backwards…opposite the flow of all the other kids.  oh well.  He did a lot better than he did the last time we tried to do a class like this.  We have another kind of class on Wednesday.  Maybe he will get better at this group thing. 

edited to add:

We also learned that the “treat” of having a stamp put on your hand or foot at the end of class is not a treat for Zane.  He was not impressed.  He was downright inconsolable when we put his sock on, and we thought it was only because he didn’t want to leave.  he cried the whole way home, and when we got back into the house and took his shoes off he was obsessed with it.  We weren’t sure if he kept rubbing and showing it to us because he was trying to tell us he wanted to go back, or because he wanted it off.  I decided to get out a wash cloth and show him that it could be used to rub my foot, then asked if he wanted me to wash his foot.  He promply displayed his foot wanting me to wash it.  When I was done, he took the washcloth out of my hand and continued to clean it, checking to see if every trace of the stamp was gone before he relinquished the washcloth.  I guess he didn’t like the stamp.  We won’t make that mistake again.  lol.

Zane drew Maisy today.  He was so excited when I guessed correctly, then started repeating, excitedly, “maisy, maisy, maisy”.  Look at the Amazon “what you are reading” for a picture of the real maisy.  What I thought was cute is when he sat back and looked at for a minute, with his face all scrunched up in concentration, then leaned forward and put wiskers on her nose.  He also put little dots in for eyes, but they aren’t showing up very well either.  He worked from memory, btw…we were outside on the porch.  I did have to do a little bit of photshopping on the picture since the pavement was wet in patches and our camera couldn’t pick up the picture quite like it needed to to see his drawing, but I just took the contrast down on the background and left his drawing alone.

Today I grabbed my camera when Zane dcided to play in the sink.  He often does this when I am doing dishes.  He pushes his step stool up to the sink and plays with various measuring cups and spoons, pouring water from one container and generally making a mess.  lol. 

Zach was shredding potatoes for hash browns and Zane was facinated by the grater on the stand mixer and would squeal with the addition of each potato.

Good news!  I sucked it up and went to the consignment store to see if they had anything before I went to the outlet stores.  I found a gently used (not perfect, but still nice) coat for Zane for $20!  It is the Gap puffy down coat in black, with blue trim under the zipper flap.  I was hoping for a bright red or yellow coat with black trim, but this was less than it is to ship a coat, much less purchase one on ebay, and less than the coats at Wal-mart.  It is a size xs (4 I think…I don’t know Gap sizing well), but it seems like it has enough room for him.  I am concerned that a size bigger would be so big he wouldn’t be able to move in it.  If he outgrows it, at least I didn’t spend a huge amount of money on it.  yeah!  I also picked up a zip up sweater in size 5/6 that is pretty big on him, but looks adorable.   Every season I look at the clothes and think “there is no way he is going to grow in to that in the next 6 months”, but he always does.  I remember looking at him in size 4 tshirts last spring thinking that, and yet here he is.  His size 3 stuff lets his belly button show (looks really tight too), but the size 4 fits just right.  

Kaz called.  She is fine and dandy.  She did go to the Rainbow Gathering. 

Can you say “duh”.  I have probably been so depressed because of PMS and the first days of my cycle.  When will I start recognizing this *when* it is happening.  I have only been having PMS since 1983…what is that… 21 years.  Maybe by the time I hit menopause I will start recognizing it. lol.

This entry is depressing, so don’t read it if you are feeling down:

Zach and I are both fighting depression right now.  He is still applying for jobs every day, but he has almost no faith that he will actually get the job at this point.  He is wondering what the point of applying is and why he went to all the effort to finish his degree when it doesn’t appear to make a difference.  He also worries that a masters degree won’t help either.  I just hate this.  He has worked so very hard and overcome a lot of difficulties to complete his degree.  Why can’t things just go his way.  The level of stress and worry is so high right now I don’t know how much longer we can take it.  It never stops.  We have been on the edge of disaster since Zane was 5 months old.  We started coming back when dh got the Tech job at Cox, but that didn’t pay as well and we didn’t really get caught up by the time he was laid off from that job.  Why.  I wish I understood why we have to go through this again and again.  I thought if you changed what you are doing, you would change the results.  What the hell else are we supposed to do.  Are any of our sacrifices ever going to be worth it? 

I cry almost every day now and I have to push all these morbid visions out of my head so I can function in life.  Although depression does run in my family, I know this is mostly situational depression.  It isn’t like I can do anything about either way since we have no insurance and not much money.  I am not really functioning all that well anymore.  I just don’t have the energy.  I force myself out of bed every morning and almost every ounce of energy I do have is given to Zane, to play, to sing, and there isn’t much left to clean, do laundry and such.  If I didn’t have Zane, I would probably not get out of bed at all.  literally. 

We do have bright spots though.  Sometimew we have a renewed faith that everything will work itself out and it will get better.  But how long can we hang on to that.  Maybe now that I have vented I will feel better.  I hope so.

continue the list:

29)  I always dreamed of being a ballerina.  I love to watch ballet.  One of our public stations runs an arts channel every night with ballet, orchestra, musical theater…things like that.  It is great seeing ballet every night.  I do get somewhat annoyed when they run an opera clip with a soprano just as Zane is falling asleep though…it is so disturbing.  In person, opera is great, but for some reason it does not translate well to tv.  I think the audio just doesn’t record well.  Back on topic…I never really outgrew my desire to dance.  I sit here, 34 years old, and still want to take a ballet lesson. lol.  That is one of the reasons I want to lose weight, so I can take a dance class.  I will probably stink at it, but I think I would like it.  I still pull out my “Maggie Adams, Dancer” series books, I love the new “Center Stage” movie, and there is this new movie out….not as interesting as Center Stage, but much more realistic….what is it called.  Oh, “The Company”.  Really good dancing in that movie. 

30)  Someday I hope to learn the guitar.  I have always been interested in learning it, but I played the flute and couldn’t afford to get callouses if I wanted to play with the French keys.  (little holes in the keys you have to seal with the pads of your fingers, but you can get different pitches by changing the seal).  Unless I get really serious about flute again, I will probably just play with the holes corked up, so I don’t need to keep my fingers soft and can afford to get them roughed up on a guitar.  I also need to play my flute more.  I have been living in apartments and haven’t wanted to drive my neighbors nuts, but I should just not worry about it…they drive me nuts.

31)  When I was a front desk clerk at a 4 star hotel in La Jolla, CA I rented some movies for Steven Segal on my blockbuster card and I  received and delivered a script for him that came in over the fax machine.  I also had the phone in my hand to call security escort him out of the lobby because I didn’t recognize him and he looked really scary.  He was also really hard on his assistant.  She was downstairs bawling at least once a day, usually several times.  I am not sure if there is enough money to take the kind of treatment he handed out to his “people”. 

32)  At the same hotel, I spent an hour or two Christmas morning in 1995 talking to Marion Ross (mom on Happy Days) about clocks.  She collects them and was admiring the clocks in the hotel.  She was really as sweet as you would expect her to be.  Not a lot of people treat desk clerks like human beings and she did.  I was feeling pretty sad, away from home and tropical weather and she really made my day.

33)  Again, at the same hotel, I talked to Bill Cosby on the phone.  He was pretty cool.  For one thing, as much money and status as he has, he didn’t get the super-expensive suite, but instead opted for a middle of the road suite.  (of course, the cheapest room in that hotel was a $350/night closet with a twin bed and a view of the bottom of the trash cans in the alley.)  He was also a nice guy.

34)  I have to say, one of the weirdest Christmastimes I ever had was the Christmas season I spent in La Jolla.  Christmas decorations on Spanish & Medeteranian architechture, carollers in full Dicken’s like costumes with candles, but seeing the ocean front out the window behind them…strolling on the beach on Christmas day.  After a lifetime of Midwest Christmases, it was really surreal.