Enzyme roller coaster
Trying the enzyme regimen has brought up a whole host of old feelings that I thought were neatly put away. “Old timers” on this journey will tell you that there are ups and downs, but somehow, I thought I had dealt with it and moved quite peacefully into “acceptance”. I was naive.
I honestly started the enzyme therapy simply to make sure he wasn’t in pain. As much as I told myself that, I keep finding myself looking for a sign that there is some dramatic breakthrough. And as soon as I start getting excited at some small thing, or deeply disappointed in another small thing, I feel the most incredible guilt. Overwhelming guilt because I feel like a hypocrite, because I am hoping for a positive change in his symptoms. I can’t find a way to reconcile my feelings quite yet.
I think watching him deal with some of the side effects is making it even harder. He is making some improvements in language, ect, but he uses some of that to tell me he has a stomach ache and feels yucky. Healing isn’t comfortable, I know. I went through a lot of surgeries and drug treatments over the years to deal with endometriosis, and my mom had to stand by and watch me going through it. I think it is harder to watch than to be the one going through it though, having been on both sides now. I hate this and am excited about it at the same time.
It is incredibly hard to watch anyone we love feel poorly. I don’t think you should ever feel guilty for the feelings you have or wanting to ease some of your child’s challenges in life… granted we view our children’s autism differently but there is no doubt in my mind that you love your son and I dare anyone to tell me any differently. Regardless of what some think, there is a place between cure and acceptance. The world is not so black and white and the sooner the autism community embraces that, the sooner we can speak in louder voices to get our kids the services they need. (just my opinion, for what it is worth)