Taking the Scenic Route

This entry is depressing, so don’t read it if you are feeling down:

Zach and I are both fighting depression right now.  He is still applying for jobs every day, but he has almost no faith that he will actually get the job at this point.  He is wondering what the point of applying is and why he went to all the effort to finish his degree when it doesn’t appear to make a difference.  He also worries that a masters degree won’t help either.  I just hate this.  He has worked so very hard and overcome a lot of difficulties to complete his degree.  Why can’t things just go his way.  The level of stress and worry is so high right now I don’t know how much longer we can take it.  It never stops.  We have been on the edge of disaster since Zane was 5 months old.  We started coming back when dh got the Tech job at Cox, but that didn’t pay as well and we didn’t really get caught up by the time he was laid off from that job.  Why.  I wish I understood why we have to go through this again and again.  I thought if you changed what you are doing, you would change the results.  What the hell else are we supposed to do.  Are any of our sacrifices ever going to be worth it? 

I cry almost every day now and I have to push all these morbid visions out of my head so I can function in life.  Although depression does run in my family, I know this is mostly situational depression.  It isn’t like I can do anything about either way since we have no insurance and not much money.  I am not really functioning all that well anymore.  I just don’t have the energy.  I force myself out of bed every morning and almost every ounce of energy I do have is given to Zane, to play, to sing, and there isn’t much left to clean, do laundry and such.  If I didn’t have Zane, I would probably not get out of bed at all.  literally. 

We do have bright spots though.  Sometimew we have a renewed faith that everything will work itself out and it will get better.  But how long can we hang on to that.  Maybe now that I have vented I will feel better.  I hope so.